By last evening, the weakness/numbness/ache (I don’t know how to describe it) had crept from my feet into my upper body and into my head. I felt consumed by it, shriveling up. I was suddenly afraid of what lay ahead.
This head-numbness has come before. It’s made writing my blog impossible, because it saps my mental energy and leaves me in a strange “fog”. But last evening was the worst.
I was alone in the house, because Lois had taken Scooby-Girl, our dog, for a needed walk. I decided to lay down in bed, hoping that might alleviate my symptoms.
I prayed my feeble prayer (“feeble” because it’s more desperation than faith): “Jesus, take pity on me. Have compassion on me and heal me. Reverse the progress of this illness and restore what it’s taken.” I placed first one hand, then the other, over my eyes and forehead, repeating my prayer and waiting in silence, in darkness.
Suddenly, it felt as if Jesus was there. It wasn’t a physical feeling—a spiritual sense, I’d call it. I saw nothing. I had no vision of him. But I imagined (though, I think, not intentionally) Jesus coming to me, telling me it was okay, that he was healing me. Then, peace quieted me.
After about 15 minutes, I decided I had to act on what I believed just happened. So I got up. No numbness in my head; it felt fine. It remained so for the rest of the evening and again this morning.
What should I make of this?
Did Jesus really “come” and heal my head? That has been the worst part of my illness, because I’m not able to seriously read or creatively write when the numbness “hits”. Did the Lord reverse the progress of this illness, at least in my head? Is this the start of a total reversal? Or was Jesus’ “coming” just my imagination, and I felt better because I had laid down? My head is okay yet this morning, but often the numbness doesn’t reach it until later in the day.
One thing I know (like the healed blind man in John 9). Before I laid down and prayed, my head was consumed by my illness. And I was afraid. When I got up, my head was fine and fear was gone.
Maybe Jesus healed my head just for last evening, because the condition was so bad. If so, I’m thankful for that respite. Of course, I hope and pray for more: that Jesus might have started a reversal he’ll continue. Maybe it will be total (wouldn’t that be amazing!), maybe partial. Though I want all, I’ll take whatever healing he gives.
But suppose Jesus’ “coming” last evening was my imagination? Suppose my head numbness returns? Will I be disappointed, discouraged? I’d like to say I’d be thankful for one better evening; but I won’t. No way I wouldn’t be disappointed and discouraged.
But, for now, I’m going to keep hoping and keep praying.
P.S. I hesitated writing this until I knew more. But I figured if Jesus healed my head only for last night, he should receive glory for it. And if it all was just my imagination, well, I’m willing to be called crazy for believing Jesus still does that sort of thing.