So I’m feeling convicted. By my A/C guy! He didn’t know it, and I didn’t admit it. But he was the Lord’s preacher for me.
See, it was another day I wasn’t feeling well, not feeling God close but wondering where God was. So I got convicted.
Earlier that day I had read a few chapters in Job. One “comforter”—Eliphaz—pointed his indictment at Job: “Because he has stretched out his hand against God and defies the Almighty, running stubbornly against him . . . “ (Job 15:25,26a). Suddenly, I felt the indictment and wondered, “Am I being stubborn against the Almighty God?”
What I mean is, I want to walk. I hate this Primary Lateral Sclerosis. I’m done with this wheelchair. I’m weary of remembering all the things I can’t do any more. I want to walk along the ocean with my beautiful wife. Play baseball with my grandson. Feed the horse in our pasture. Paint the bathroom (really). I loathe being so dependent on Lois.
Two weeks ago, my brother-in-law (with whom I speak weekly by phone) asked me if he should pray differently for me. Forever daily, and every week with me on the phone, he’s prayed for my healing and was ready to keep on. But should he pray differently? I asked him to continue. I hardly had the faith to pray for healing; I needed him to do it for me. He promised he would.
But now I wonder if I’m just being stubborn. Should I (and he) pray for grace, for Christ’s power to rest on me, so that in my weakness I can be strong (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)? Is that what God wants? Not to reveal his power to heal of my weakness, but to reveal his power to be strong in weakness? I don’t know. Or am I just being stubborn?
Here’s what I know for certain. It’s what this song says. I need you, Lord! I need him to raise me above my feelings of loss that rule my mind. I need him to heal me. Not even the impossible is impossible for him, right? But, if he chooses not to heal me, I need him to rest in Christ’s power on me in weakness. Not mostly so I can feel better. But mostly so Christ can be seen in me, for his sake.
I’m confused. But I know this . . .
I need you, Lord. And I suspect others do too, So: we need you, Lord . . .
My Dear Precious Brother & Sister,
This personal commentary of yourself has really touched my heart. Wish I were there to give you a great big hug!! This is Jim and Jeannette from long ago. (smile) We were just talking about you two – really.
Your transparency is refreshing in light of the world we are living in today. To be so open is really a gift from God. You have blessed me my brother. You may wonder how in light of what you had to say. First of all, I still have this love in my heart for you all and I feel I can relate to what you have to say and the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. I have been through a few things since we were all together at the Living Church. But hopefully they have made me a better person in Christ today. I believe you and I are close to each other in age, I turned 72 this past January and I have had some strong emotions about getting older. But I really am grateful and thankful to the Lord for giving me what I believe to be “extra” years of life. We have our first grandbaby girl, Savannah, 10 mos old now. And I do pray to the Lord to let me see her grow up. But whether He does or not, I will continue to praise Him and enjoy what he has already given me – a good life, full of love. I have been praying for you all a long time now, but recently I began praying for your health. So I say also, don’t give up praying for healing but you can pray for grace in the meantime and we will be praying for you too. Did you have the same phone #? I’ll be in touch. God bless you and Lois and family abundantly.
Love Always,
Jim & Jeannette
Dear Jim and Jeannette,
What a precious breath of fresh air your words are! What wonderful memories they bring back! We’re separated by many miles and years and yet you hold a special place in my heart. I, too, wish you were here for that hug. Thank you so much for writing. And if you want to call, the number’s the same–727-863-6152. I’m sorry to here of some of the things you’ve been through. Dying, and the process of getting there, is such a terrible curse.
I assume you know about my disease from my blog. (I’m honored you read it!) Being wheelchair bound, and with nothing working right from waist down, is hard. My brain says I’m young; my body argues otherwise. It’s a real faith-test, so I really appreciate your prayers. I’ll pray more faithful for you, too.
Congratulations on your grandbaby! Such a blessing from the Lord! Enjoy her. May God give you many years with her!
Lois is doing well, though with the aches and pains and weaknesses of old age. She’s still my beautiful bride; I love her with all my heart and hate to see her work harder because of me.
Jim, we share many warm memories. I’m so thankful our friendship has continued and that our brotherhood in Christ will never end.
Blessings on your all.
Allan and Lois